Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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