I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
