non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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