Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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