you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think my moral compass just broke
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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