Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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