i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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