I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
