Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I need to calm my uterus...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
