I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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