i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
