Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
