I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
