I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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