I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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