You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
