i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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