happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
