Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
