mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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