You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize