Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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