At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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