Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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