Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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