My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
