The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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