he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
