We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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