I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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