I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
