i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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