Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
