I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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