You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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