somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
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