I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
