I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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