I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
