yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
