I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize