Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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