I could make wine with my vomit
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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