allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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