she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize