Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The air taste purple.
Randomize
