remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
