she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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