I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
