my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
