There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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