Please, let me fuck your mom
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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