What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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