i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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