you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
