currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
