so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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