dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize