Heybabeimwearingurpanties
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
